However, as a closet doubter myself, I find these questions very disheartening. I have been a true believer my whole life. I still read my scriptures, say my prayers, go to church, etc. I continually pray for the answers. I even attempted a “Joseph Smith” and went to a secluded spot while in the woods (a bit extreme…) I feel nothing. I’ve received no answers. I’ve been asking for over five years. I’m still attending the temple…

As soon as I discovered my questions, going to church made me feel a little…angry. Why don’t the majority of the people who are so invested in this church not know this stuff? My integrity will never allow me to hold a prominent calling in the church. I refuse to lie to the people and refuse to tell them the truth to avoid causing them the hurt I felt when I discovered these issues.

And as far as spiritual confirmations go, not only do some of us feel that when watching “chick flicks,” but what about people who feel the same convictions about their church and beliefs that we feel about ours?

And, no offense, but fundamentalists, followers of Charles Manson, and even the poor victim of Brian David Mitchell have all felt the same convictions about their church, leader, or abductor. The human mind is VERY susceptible to brainwashing… Group Think and conformity are common in all organized religions… As is deception. And hiding the truth/sweeping things under the rug…

I have a few other questions.

1. What about the Masons? People say that the temple is an old ceremony passed down from Solomon’s temple… Wrong. The Masons borrowed their ideas from the Scottish Guilds that were started in 1717.

2. People say that our church is the only true church… Why then do LDS men still participate in Masonry? I understand that it’s just a glorified fraternity, but being a member seems wrong to me. I can’t be a Jew and a Mormon at the same time.

3. Jesus Christ had 12 followers. That makes 13 people in authoritative positions. The current church has 15… Why?

4. In the introduction to the Book of Mormon (which has been changed to better accommodate recent DNA evidence) why does it say the Bible and the Book of Mormon together are the “fullness of the Gospel,” and yet, no one can answer my questions…? Instead I’m told, “We don’t have all the answers…” According to the introduction to the Book of Mormon, we DO.

5. Joseph was married to more than 20 (documented) women before he told Emma about polygamy. Almost half of these 20 women were married to other men. However, Emma reportedly asked Joseph if she could have other husbands since he can have other wives. She was reprimanded by God in D&C 132 verse 54 for posing such an abominable question: “And I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide and cleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if she will not abide this commandment she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord; for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy her if she abide not in my law.” I find it oddly convenient that Joseph’s first and supposedly favorite wife was not allowed to have other husbands but his other, not favorite wives were. In fact, most of them continued living with their first husbands…sleeping with them AND Joseph. And supposedly not many children came from the unions these women had with Joseph…but we’re taught that polygamy is for “raising up seed unto the Lord.” I’m confused. I also find it odd that the majority of them (maybe all – except the white-haired, old ones that he didn’t sleep with – were brunettes).

6. Also, according to our own scripture, Joseph Smith committed adultery. In D&C 132 it states (emphasis added): 61. “And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.”

This tells me a few main things. 1). Joseph Smith did NOT tell Emma about his plural wives until he had more than 20 of them. According to verse 61 of D&C 132, he has committed adultery because his first wife has not consented. 2). Before Joseph Smith was martyred, he ended up marrying 11 (documented) women who were already married. They were not virgins. They were “vowed” to other men. According to that, he has committed adultery. In addition, note the word “desire.” I thought that polygamy was about god giving men other women…and that even the men didn’t want it. According to some, polygamy is hard for men, too. According to D&C 132 verse 61, they have to desire her first, then gain their first wife’s consent, then make sure she’s a virgin and isn’t “vowed” (i.e. married or engaged) to another man. Again, I’m confused.

Anyway, I hope someone is still checking this post so they can answer my questions.

Thanks.

The difference between divorces/remarriage and polygamous unions is, of course, that in a divorce, the first spouse is discarded before taking another, and the first spouse has no say in the former spouse’s choice of second, third, and so forth marriage partners.

I know this might rattle a few cages, but why is this so much better than polygamy? The way the Lord ordained polygamy was for marriage partners to mutually agree on who else would enter the marriage, and that these marriages are binding forever. In other words, in polygamy, you don’t throw out your spouses and go and get other ones in their places.

Sure, nobody seems to look at it this way. But, as my mom puts it, what is divorce and remarriage, but serial polygamy?

I recently posted about my “Concern For Those Who Are Struggling”, and it was actually quite refreshing to talk through some perspectives about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon in the comments section of that post. It’s not something people usually feel comfortable or confident enough to do in person, so that’s a great thing about blogging. It’s good to be honest with ourselves and the knowledge we have. Just in case you’re interested, here’s the link:
http://latterdayspence.blogspot.com/2009/06/concern-for-those-who-are-struggling.html

I respect how you feel about it, and that you have faith in God. I wish you the best in your own spiritual journey, and may God bless you. I believe you have more faith than most!

Yes, I have prayed and felt “tingling all over, and tears well up in my eyes”. I took this as a sign that what I was praying for was true. But then something happened. As I got older, I noticed that I got those same feeling for very non religious things. I get the same feeling when watching a “chick flick” (much to my embarrassment). At the end of the movie when the guy comes swooping in and takes the girl, I get a “tingling all over, and tears well up in my eyes”. I’ve recognized that it is the same feelings that I felt when I prayed! Ever since I was little I’ve always cried easy when something touched me. At first I was told it was the “spirit” But then I had the same feeling in very non-spiritual events.

I do believe in God. I don’t “know” that he lives because I’ve never seen him. I have faith that he lives. Once I see him, then my faith will go away and I’ll know.

Closet Doubter

To Closetdoubter, I am just wondering, have you ever prayed to recieve a testimony of the First Vision after reading the account and pondering on it? Have you ever just said, God, I don’t know what to think, can you direct me as to the truth and tell me once and for all if this really happened?

Please understand that I am not trying to be rude by asking you that question, and if I have crossed the line I sincerely apologize. I am simply curious.

I have interacted with you at church and know you to be an upfront guy. Thanks for taking the time on this blog.

I have addressed my doubts head on. I’ve read everything I could get my hands on for over 20 years. I’m very active on the DAMU, and you have probably read some of my posts on various groups under another name. I also know John and have traded e-mails with him in the past, and listened to most of his pod casts. So for me the DAMU is the outlet I need to keep sane since I can’t find it at church.

Your answers to many of those questions don’t cut it for me. The cognitive dissonance is too much for me to accept those answers.

But I have reached a place where I’m content with the church. I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. I have too much invested at this point. I enjoy the friendship at church. I enjoyed serving the people in my past callings.

But unlike you I have to hide behind an pseudonym on the internet. The church has no room for my doubts. As I hear in General Conference almost every time, it is either true or it isn’t. It is black or white. JS either saw God and JC as he said in his 1838 canonized version, or he didn’t. Nobody in Testimony meeting yesterday said “I believe the church is true”, they all said “I Know the church is true”. Well, I don’t know! I believe many things, but I just don’t know.

I believe I have moved on to what you’d call a “cultural Mormon” or NOM. I’ll take the good, and drop the bad. The church has made me a better person, father and husband.

And let me comment on your statement: “And why are their testimonies weak? It is because they won’t study. They won’t learn about these issues for themselves.” A few years ago I was talking with a very high leader in the stake. I asked him if he had read “Rough Stone Rolling” He said he had started to read it, but stopped because he didn’t want to know those things about JS. Is this the type of leader that I can go to for help? He stuck his head in the sand instead of hitting the issues head on.

Thanks again for your concern. If you don’t mind, I’ll add your blog to my list of outlets that I can vent from time to time. And next time I see you at church I’ll make sure to shake your hand.

Closet Doubter

Thanks for the visit and the comment. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I wonder if what I’m reading in your comment about “busywork and going through the motions” can be attributed to the mundane administrative activities that are always a part of ward and stake priesthood leadership positions. In my experience, the repetitive nature of these actions can produce the same kinds of feelings in me that you describe. I hope we don’t confuse administration with ministering. I am currently serving as a ward clerk and can totally relate to the busywork idea.

Jay, I’ve gone through what you’re describing. After nearly thirty years of serving in quorum leadership roles, umpteen bishoprics, and on the High Council, I’ve decided that I would much, much prefer to be in a teaching position. For me, teaching the gospel, either in the home, in a small classroom, or from the pulpit has proven to be the most rewarding activity in the church. I’ve said many times before that my favorite calling was teaching the 11-year olds in Primary. The wonderful challenge there is making the doctrine simple enough for their pure young minds.

Besides the sacred memories of several remarkable spiritual manifestations in my youth, another powerful motivator for me is studying and preparing the essays I share in my blog. I write them in a format that is easily transferable to delivery from the pulpit. Bruce R. McConkie used to go down the street making outlines in his mind of gospel subjects and how he would present then. I do the same in my personal gospel study – I make outlines and turn them into essays that I share on my blog. I feel prepared when I am asked to share spiritual thoughts in leadership meetings.

I think I am very different from most members of the church in that I love to stand at the pulpit and teach the gospel. My years on the High Council were very rewarding for me mainly because of the opportunity to speak in a different ward each month. I looked forward to the challenge of seeing if I could keep the High Priests from snoring in Sacrament meeting. I never did quite achieve that goal but found great delight in sharing fascinating stories from our history that were applicable to our everyday lives. I couldn’t do that if I didn’t study and learn the difficult parts.

Jay, I think you are right on in your observation that we do not have any exclusivity in finding ways to spread the love of Christ. There are so many good people and organizations out there that can use our organizational and administrative abilities. I find myself desiring more and more to volunteer my computer and network skills with non-profits in our community. It brings great joy to be able to use something so basic to me in a way that seems like magic to others.

Seeking additional light and knowledge is admirable. We are not the only source of light and truth. It is all around us if we just seek it out. There are many things and causes that are worth our time and energy. We can do much good in the world. Indeed, if we don’t, we will become stagnant and stale. I think that’s why the Brethren have done so much to cut down the number of meetings we have to attend and have encouraged us to become involved in our communities.

Thanks for reading and for taking the time to share your comments. They are much appreciated.

“And why are their testimonies weak? It is because they won’t study. They won’t lea[r]n about these issues for themselves.”

It amazes me that there are long-time members that cannot even begin to speak about 1/2 of the questions you have posed. I used to think that becoming a High Priest meant that you were prepared in all these issues. Not so much anymore.

I have truly found that knowledge is power, especially when it comes to Gospel doctrine. As an attorney, I have an analytical mind that needs the internal debate to assure myself of the answers. I too have found many answers, but have also had to make a few concessions. The concessions, however, need not erase what I know to be true and good.

I like Elder Packer’s statement: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behaviors.” Once we truly understand the doctrines of the restored Gospel, things seemingly fall into place. The problem most people have, is that they refuse to learn that doctrine on their own and instead rely upon sub-par teaching each week in their Gospel Doctrine class.