A Few Thoughts on Porn

What a distasteful subject. I agree. You can skip this post if it bothers you. But for those who are looking for help, I offer the following thoughts: Yes, there are still good people out there who are bothered by porn and want to do something about it. They are, or somebody they love is struggling with a porn addiction. They want to know what they can do or say that will help this person. At the bottom of this post is a link to a document created over many hours by someone who cares.

I have strong opinions about this. I believe porn addiction is an internal choice. If you want to manage, control or eliminate it, consider that it cannot be done by external means. It’s an internal decision you have to make. It Is within your power to control. I know there are folks who say that it’s a disease beyond their power to heal, that they were born with it or they are possessed with an unclean spirit. They may say “why fight it?” Doing porn is just a part of who I am, right?

I’m not sure I buy that. You can stop anytime. You have the means to cast out unclean spirits. It does not require priesthood authority. It simply requires faith and is done in the name of Jesus Christ. And you’ve got to want to. If you don’t want to be free of the influence of an unclean or addicted spirit, then that spirit is not going to leave on its own or by wishing it gone. The healing is through faith in Christ. Doing porn is not something you do because it is beyond your control.

And, as the Savior taught, “this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” If you are averse to fasting, which by its nature can be uncomfortable, you will probably not be able to get the desire for porn and solo sex under control. Many people recognize that prayer with fasting works, thus they avoid it. It means change. In many ways, it is the crux of repentance. It’s the hard work you must do. It means commitment, it means keeping your word. It means integrity.

Desire is a Tool for Change

For the purpose of this post, let’s assume you or the someone you are trying to help has decided they want to be free of a porn addiction and masturbation. This post is mainly directly toward men – young and old, married and single. However, I realize in today’s Internet world, women are also afflicted by this unwanted addiction – both single and married women, both young and old. I also get a lot of visitors to posts like this from mothers trying to help their sons and from wives trying to better understand and help their husbands who struggle with this addiction.

Figure out what motivates you – what strengthens your desire to behave or act in a certain way. Do you want to be free from porn because your parents want that for you, or your spouse wants that for you? That may not be enough. Do you want to be free from porn and masturbation because you know your church leaders what that for you? Still probably not enough. Do you want it because you know the Savior wants that for you? Believe it or not, that’s probably still not enough.

You’ve got to want it because you want it. You’ve got to want it because you believe you will be a happier person without it. You’ve got to see the results in your mind’s eye of what your life would be like if you were free from this sin, this weakness, this temptation. Remember the big picture: This life is a test. You are here to prove yourself worthy, to decide what and who you really want to be. But maybe you’ve always dealt with a strong sex drive. That’s your test in this life.

If you deal with porn addiction and masturbation you may a have a gift of strong and powerful desires. Believe it or not, some people go through life without really wanting much. On the other hand, you probably want or desire a lot. You are blessed with strong desires and much passion. The desire for sex is probably stronger in you than in others. You probably think about it much more than you want. Sometimes it interferes with your life, keeps you from doing good things.

Focus on Love, Not Sex

Try to focus on love. In all your conversations or dialogues about porn, focus on the love of the Savior and of loving Heavenly parents. People struggling with a porn addiction often / usually feel bad about themselves. They feel guilty or unclean. Sometimes they feel helpless, beaten, broken, unworthy, unfixable or unlovable. They have come to believe there is no hope for them, so they give in to despair. The effects of a porn addiction are similar to drug or food addiction. It’s a cycle.

The Savior does not judge us, at least not yet. You can go to him with a broken heart and contrite spirit and He will heal you. He loves you. He wants your happiness. He will not force you to change but He will help you if you want it. He loves you. I cannot say it enough. Because He loves you, He wants you to feel confident, clean, worthy and in control of your own life as much as you can be. Even if you don’t feel worthy of His love and perhaps even push Him away.

Also, remember, sex is part of life. Unless you want to exist in total denial, accept the fact that sex is a part of God’s plan. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing. Sex is desirable. It’s enjoyable for most people. It’s the way we bring children into the world. But it’s also a way to bind a man and a woman together in love. Obviously, I’m not addressing those who feel sex is okay between two men or two women. I don’t feel that way. I believe sex should be between one man and one woman.

In case you want to know how I feel about same-sex relationships, I’ll tell you: I think that is between them and their God. I can’t and won’t judge someone who feels sexually attracted to someone of the same sex. Since I don’t feel that way, I can never understand or relate. I know the issue is complex. I’ve written about it before and had my hand slapped by those who feel this way. So, I just butt out. I’m not an expert on homosexuality. It takes a lot of courage to deal with that.

Some Closing Thoughts

I received the document I’ve linked to below about a week ago. I’ve read it. I’ve pondered it. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve read a lot of resources over the years from people who deal with this professionally or personally. I have a half dozen books on the subject. I’ve counseled many people over the years. I’m glad my friend put this document together. I wish I had it many years ago. God bless him for doing this. I can see the hand of God in the content and in the spirit of the document.

For wives and mothers reading this, I feel for you, especially wives. Don’t ever feel it’s your fault, that you’re not sexy enough or desirable enough. For mothers, be aware that you aren’t the first to go through this. Boys and men are aroused by what they see and are hard-wired to seek out visual stimulation. It’s natural. I’ve read studies that conclude ninety percent of boys and men have dealt with the temptation of pornography and masturbation unsuccessfully at some time in their lives.

I have a friend who is extremely wealthy and powerful. He is incredibly influential and successful in his business and in life. He is blessed with a beautiful home, an extremely beautiful wife and wonderful children. Yet he seeks out and shares porn with employees and customers. He says his sex drive is like a thirst that he has to satisfy. His poor wife is a little befuddled. She has no such drive and can’t understand why her husband continues to seek out and share this stuff.

I think the best advice I’ve ever read on dealing with an overactive sex drive is to learn to channel it into productive areas. Meaning, attack your life’s work and your daily tasks with the same passion you would ordinarily put into seeking out sexual stimulation. You’ll be amazed at how much more enjoyable life becomes. There’s always this feeling in the background of unrewarded restraint. It’s as if life tips the scales in your balance just because you’ve learned to control yourself.

And that’s a wonderful feeling.

A New Resource Available

A friend has compiled a wonderful document filled with resources and things that have helped him deal with a pornography addiction. It is called “Becoming Clean from The Sin of This Generation: 14 Keys to Overcoming Addiction to Pornography.” He includes his email address at the end of the document. Like me, he is willing to help those who reach out. The resources in the document are marvelous. The only other resource I would add is Fight The New Drug, a great site for self-help.